This Isn't You
by roserage
Summary: Cabin Scene from Shadow Kissed DPOV ; Most dialogue from Richelle Mead


"_It was like we were starving or drowning, and only the other person could save us"…Shadow Kiss _

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"I'm hesitant to believe this after the way Ms. Hathaway has behaved since becoming Mr. Ozera's practice guardian. She refused to protect him the first time," Headmistress Kirova crossed her arms and sat back in her chair petulantly.

"She took down Yuri, Belikov and me while protecting two Moroi. It was textbook perfect," Jean reported.

"I was watching her, she did not even hesitate. It was almost like watching a different Dhampir from the last time she was tested. She did not hold anything back; it was quite impressive if you ask me," Celeste finished looking around at the rest of us.

This meeting regarding Rose's behavior was much more positive than the previous one. All of the guardians were defending her position rather than trying to condemn her. I wish she could have been present to see how proud we were of her…How proud I was of her.

"I can tell you from training that she held nothing back, Headmistress." I said casually.

"Hah! That's right Belikov; she got you pretty good with her elbow. How is your face?" Yuri chuckled along with the other guardians. I put my hand up to my face just below my eye remembering that I would probably have a bruise already.

It was true, right when I thought I had her down she surprised me. I did not think she would go for a blow to the face but she did; for that I was pleased. She did not hold back just because it had been me that she was fighting. It was something I had tried to teach her from the beginning.

Headmistress Kirova looked around the room, "Well, I was not there so I will not refute your statements, but this will not clear her slate. She is still to be watched closely until these trials are over… and until she graduates. Do not let one instance of good behavior –"

Just then the door burst open as Adrian Ivashkov ran into the room followed closely by Christian Ozera. I immediately stood up.

"We were," Mr. Ozera took a deep breath, "in the dining hall and Rose couldn't find Lissa." He swallowed hard and leaned his arms on his knees. By now the rest of the guardians had gotten to their feet and circled the two boys.

Adrian cut in, "Rose just started screaming and grabbing her face and then she just yelled, 'Northwest side of campus …" and then something about … a 'weird pond' and maybe a 'fence'?" Adrian looked back over to Christian who nodded confirming the story.

Headmistress Kirova started dictating orders but I was already out the door running down the hall. The northwest side of campus was not too far, but I would have to run.

I crossed a walkway cutting around a group of students, who had likely left the dining hall to return to their dorms and leapt down a small set of stairs. I was getting closer and I immediately heard shouts as I rounded the last corner. A group of students surrounded a few that I could not see, but I knew Rose would be in the middle of it.

"Let me Go!" Rose was struggling in Eddie Castile's arms immediately next to Princess Dragomir who was crouched over a body. Rose was shoving at Mr. Castile who looked like he was having a hard time holding on to her. From what I would see, she had a cut on her forehead and was covered in dirt.

"No!" Rose screamed again staring at Lissa. "You can't!"

In pausing to assess the situation, Celeste and Alberta had charged past me and started to gather the students and Yuri and Headmistress Kirova were attending to the boy on the ground. It was Jesse Zeklos; I remember thinking that he most likely had it coming.

My attention jerked away when I heard Rose yell again, still kicking, "You can't let him go! You can't let him go!"

Alberta turned to her, "Rose, calm down. It's over." Alberta then turned back to Celeste and the other students.

"It is _not_ over! Not until I get my hands around his throat and choke the life out of him!"

Alberta turned back toward Rose and then eyed me warily. Everyone was staring at Rose and I was slowly realizing that something was wrong.

Alberta looked back again, "Get her out of here; get her cleaned up and calmed down".

I reached toward Rose and between Mr. Castile and I Rose jerked to break free. I grabbed her by the arm tightly, trying not to hurt her. She struggled just as much against me as she did Eddie.

_What was wrong with her?_

"Rose, we can make this easy or difficult," I started walking her away from the scene in the opposite direction they were taking the rest of the students. There was only one place I could think of that she would not be able to find a way to escape easily. "There is no way I am letting you go to Jesse. Besides, he's going to the med clinic, so you'd never get near him. If you can accept that, I will release your arms…"

I eyed her suspiciously; she had a strange look in her eyes.

"If you bolt, you know I'll just restrain you again," I said assessing her expression. She looked like she had thought about it and she stopped trying to break free of my grasp. "Okay…"

She did not move from my side, and for that I was appreciative. I did not intend on spending my evening trying to find Rose so she would not kill someone.

Rose spoke, but her voice was still had a menacing undertone. "Alberta told you to clean me up, so we're going to the med clinic?"

I smirked for a moment. _Who does she think she is kidding?_

"Nice try. I am not letting you near him. We will get first aid somewhere else," I said shaking my head slowly.

We walked briskly off the edge of the main part of campus into the woods. I remembered that the old cabin had first aid and hot water; honestly, I just wanted to figure out what Rose was thinking trying to kill Jesse Zeklos. I knew that they were not on the best of terms, but she seemed to have let the things he said get to her more than usual.

The cabin was not lit but we were able to see until we were inside and I found some matches to light a lamp.

The room was how Tasha had left it and it reminded me of the times I came here to see her. I could not believe that it had not been too long ago when I had thought about accepting her proposal to be her guardian, and to have children with her. It seemed like a different time; I felt like a different person.

Rose shivered minutely and stared at me questioningly.

"Sit down." I gestured to the bed as there was not much seating and I went to light a fire to warm the room. Once the fire had been lit, I looked around under the kitchen sink until I found the first aid kit. I turned to see that Rose had been watching me, she looked impatient.

I grabbed the chair from the table and dragged it over next to the bed to sit opposite her.

"You have to let me go," she pleaded. "Don't you see? Don't you see how Jesse has to _pay_? He tortured her! He did horrible things to her!" Her breathing was heavy and she pushed the hair out of her face angrily looking around the room. She wasn't focused on anything but getting out.

I was angry that Jesse Zeklos had hurt the Princess, but Rose looked crazed.

"He'll be punished, believe me," I looked up at her as I tried to clean the cuts on her forehead. "…and the others…"

"With what?! She said spitefully. "Detention? This is as bad as Victor Dashkov! Nobody does ANYTHING around here! People commit crimes and get away with it." Her voice lowered, "He needs to _hurt_… they all do…"

I stopped cleaning her cut and looked into her eyes. They were wide and she did not even seem to be blinking. _What was she saying?_

"Rose, I know that you are upset, but you know we do not punish people like that. It's… savage…" I said more concerned. She did not seem to care and she was clenching her fists as she started to talk again.

"Yeah? What is wrong with that?! I'd bet it'd stop them from doing it again." She started shaking slightly. "They need to suffer for what they did! And _I_ want to be the one to do it! I want to hurt them all! I want to kill them all!" She started to stand, but I grabbed at her shoulder shoving her back down forcefully on the bed, holding her sitting there. I looked back and forth between her eyes. I had never seen this side of her before. She looked like she was about to explode with rage.

"Rose! Snap out of this!" My voice was harder than I had intended, but she did not even seem to be affected by it because she shouted back.

"Stop it! You're doing it –just like you always do. You're always so reasonable, no matter how awful things are. What happened to you wanting to kill Victor in prison, huh? Why was that okay, but not this?" The way she looked at me was almost menacing; suddenly, I was afraid for her. She had been acting strangely lately, but this was over the top.

I looked at her and carefully spoke again,"… that was an exaggeration. You know it was. But this . . . this is something different. There is something wrong with you right now."

"No! There's something right with me," she stood up and I copied her movement. She took a step toward me angrily. "I'm the only one who wants to do anything around here, and if that's wrong, I'm sorry. You keep wanting me to be some impossible, good person, but I'm not! I'm not a saint like you!"

I looked up at her from the bottom of my eyes, "Neither of us is a saint, Believe me … I don't—"

Suddenly, she pushed at me knocking me slightly out of the way as she tried to jump out of my reach. I lunged at her, knocking her down and holding her body between mine and the floor. Though I had her pinned, her movements were erratic as she tried to squirm out of my hold. I would not let her go. I cared too much about her just to let her go through this alone.

Through gritted teeth she growled at me, "Let me go!" She almost sounded like she was in pain.

"No," my voice was suddenly harsher again. "Not until you break out of this. This is not you!"

Rose began breathing harder and tears were fuming from her eyes.

"It is! Let me go!"

"It's not. It isn't you! _It isn't you."_ I was panicking. I felt like I was begging her to see reason, but the way she looked at me and spoke to me with so much hate, I almost believed that she would have killed Jesse.

"You're wrong! It is—"

She stopped suddenly.

She was looking straight into my eyes; in that moment I would have given anything to know what she was thinking. She closed her eyes tightly and her breathing increased. She had stopped fighting me, but the pain radiating from her face was wrenching at my heart.

"Rose…"

I felt her muscles slowly relax and I loosened my arms around her, but I did not let go.

Suddenly, her body was shaking underneath mine.

_What was happening!?_

"Oh my God," she said still shaking. She looked like she was freezing to death, but the heat coming from the fire hinted otherwise. The anger in her face had washed away with the tears, leaving only sadness and fear.

I reached one arm out from under her and put it up to her face for comfort. I stroked her cheek lightly. I had no idea what was going on.

"Rose …" my voice was a small whisper. "Are you okay?"

She swallowed and blinked her teary eyes open to look at me.

"I… I think so. For now …"

"It's over," I continued to try and calm her, pushing dark strands of her hair off the soft skin of her face.  
"It's over, everything's alright…"

She shook her head as a few more tears escaped from her dark eyes. Her eyelashes glistened.

"No. It's not. You . . . you don't understand. It's true- everything I was worried about. About Anna? About me taking away sprit's craziness? It's happening, Dimitri," the way she said my name made me ache. "Lissa lost it out there with Jesse. She was out of control, but I stopped her because I sucked away her anger and put it into myself. And its" she breathed," it's horrible. It's like I'm, I don't know, a puppet. I can't control myself." Her chin quivered.

"You're strong," I assured. "It will not happen again …"

"No!" She pushed herself up from under me and I sat up still inches away from her. She started quickly, "It _will_ happen again. I'm going to be like Anna. I'm going to get worse and worse. This time it was bloodlust and hate. I wanted to destroy them. I needed to destroy them. Next time? I don't know. Maybe it'll just be craziness, like Ms. Karp. Maybe I'm already crazy, and that's why I'm seeing Mason. Maybe it'll be depression like Lissa used to get. I'll keep falling and falling into that pit and then I'll be like Anna and kill-"

"No," she had to know I would not let that happen to her. I pushed my forehead closer so that it almost touched hers. "It won't happen to you. You're too strong. You'll fight it, just like you did this time…"

She looked up at me sadly, "I only did because you were here."

I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into my chest.

"I can't do it by myself," she whispered softly into me. I barely heard her, but I could almost feel the angst in her voice.

My mind was frantic thinking about Rose being in so much pain and her believing that she could potentially die because of all of this.

_How could she think I would let anything happen to her?_

I felt nauseous. I tried to stay calm for her, but my voice was unsteady and gave me away.

"You can … You're strong – you're so, so strong." I had been trying to avoid everything I was feeling, but the words just poured out.

"It's why I love you."

She pulled herself tighter into my chest, "You shouldn't. I'm going to be something terrible. I might already be something terrible."

I pulled her back out of my arms and put my hands on the sides of her face, brushing her tears with my thumb. The look in her eyes was breaking my heart.

"You aren't. You won't. I will not let you. No matter what, I will not let you…"

At this the look on her face changed dramatically; it was tender and warm. I let my hands fall.

She sat up onto her knees so that her eyes were level with mine and put her arms around my neck, slowly appraising my face. A look of realization came over her and my heart stopped. The world stopped.

She leaned into me pressing her lips slowly and gently onto mine. I opened my mouth slightly and she did the same. Her lips were lingering and deliberate. Our lips moved in tandem and I reached up and caressed the back of her neck slowly with my hand.

She moved so that she was closer to me, her hand soft on my cheek. She was suddenly full of life again and she was the Rose that I knew. She was the Rose that I fell in love with.

The passion in the kiss increased and a sudden jolt surged through it. We were suddenly clinging to each other as if the kiss had been magnetic.

Without breaking the kiss I stood up carrying her with me over toward the bed a few feet behind us. She gripped me tightly as I laid her down underneath me. Determined, she pulled the back of my head closer to her sending her hand through my hair. I pushed my hand down to her waist rubbing the skin above her jeans, letting my hand trail down her leg to the back of her thigh, and pulling her leg up so that it wound around me.

She let out a short gasp and we pulled away instantly.

We both breathed quickly and deeply staring deep into each others' eyes.

_This is wrong._

"We can't …" I breathed.

She nodded, "I know." She bit her lip in defeat.

The look on her face was all it took.

My mouth was on hers instantly. I felt like I did the night Rose and I had been under Victor Dashkov's spell, but I knew what I was doing. Her lips were familiar and zealous upon mine as I slid my fingers down the front of her jacket, undoing its' buttons. She pulled her arms out of her jacket and grabbed anxiously at the back of my shirt, sliding it over my head. She felt up the muscles in my arms and shoulders, inhaling quickly as I leaned down to kiss at her neck. I kissed over to the strap of her tank top and slid it down off of her shoulder and pulled the shirt over her head. I threw the shirt on the floor and looked back to her.

She stared up at me wearing only a pair of pants and a black bra. The last time I had seen her like this was when I caught her with Jesse Zeklos. I barely knew her then, but it was the first time that I realized I was physically attracted to her. The way her hair curved around her perfect body was enough to make me weak.

She sat up on her elbow, just high enough for her other hand pulling me toward her by the top of my pants, provocatively. I leaned down into her and pulled her hand away from my pants, kissing her palm lightly and putting it onto my cheek.

Our lips moved together and the heat began to rise up inside of me again. The times I had to fight to keep myself under control; the times I lied to her, telling her that I did not love her …

I wanted to kiss it all away.

My hand moved down her flat stomach again, this time pulling at the top button of her jeans and dragging the zipper down without a sound. With her mouth still on mine she wiggled out of her pants, letting them fall to the floor. I let my thumb caress her hip bone at the top of her underwear. She let out a small moan in the back of her throat making it harder to hide how much I wanted her.

Her hand moved from my face down my stomach and brushed against me lightly sending a chill up my spine.

It only took a few more seconds before we had pulled the rest of the clothes off of each other.

I leaned down on top of her and kissed her lightly with my hand tilting her chin toward me.

She looked at me knowingly as I moved into her gently. She closed her eyes momentarily, yet when I hesitated she opened them again and kissed me deeply pulling me into her further.

Our movements were careful and almost dreamlike. At first Rose seemed timid, but the more we moved together the more she let herself go. Her breath was soft on my lips as they brushed hers.

For every push there was an equal pull, what she took from me I was taking from her. Every sense was heightened and even a slight touch of her hand electrified me. I let my hand move across her body, exploring her velvety skin; I teased her neck softly with my lips and she pushed her hand through my hair pulling my face closer to hers.

"Dimitri…" She breathed unevenly. Quickly, I looked back at her face and she closed her eyes pushing her head back into the pillow. She moaned almost too quiet for me to hear, but I was relieved when I saw the ecstasy in her expression. I slowed our rhythm; undemanding.

I felt Rose attempt to reach her arms around me to pull me up against her; as she arched her back slightly I lost it. My eyes rolled back into my head and I felt her clenching me tightly. I tried to suppress a groan, but I could not help let it out. The spasm raced to my extremities and left them numb as I collapsed down back on top of her.

Breathing heavily I tried to prop myself up on my elbows so I would not crush her; I opened my eyes and realized that they had been watering and my arms were shaking.

Rose looked up at me serenely and moved over so I could lie next to her. I pulled her into my chest, kissing her forehead and brushing her hair over her ear with my fingers. Until then I hadn't realized that, despite how wrong it was for us to be together, how complete I felt lying next to her.

I pulled her closer into me and kissed her forehead again, "I love you, Roza. I'll always be here for you. I'm not going to let anything happen to you…"

"And I won't let anything happen to you," she looked up at me.

"I love you," I didn't let her finish; I pulled her toward me, kissing her purposefully and lovingly.

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**I was left wanting more after I read the cabin scene in the book; this is probably what I would have liked to have read.**

**If you like this, check out my other works.**

** besos**


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